Harry Potter and the Eight Schools
by abby1010
Summary: No war/Voldemort AU: Finding the right school for your magical child to attend before Hogwarts is difficult. Lily wants to make sure Harry has a semi-normal childhood. James wants to stop having to find a new school every two years. Featuring holy water, glitter, excessive amounts of obliviation, workers' rights, and eight very different schools. Jily Santa 2019.


I got a great prompt for Jily Santa and turned it into this. I am deeply sorry if you were expecting something better. I am apparently incapable of writing something that isn't at least 50% a shitpost.

This is an AU where the war just never happened/Voldemort never existed. So there's still magic. But everyone is alive. And I wrote Harry for the first time, which was fun.

I tried to base the schools/Harry's educational progression off of the UK early education system, but I might have Americanized it slightly for the sake of my own sanity and not having to spend even more time on the "Education in England" Wikipedia page. I definitely did not pay as much attention to the private/public distinction as I should have lol. Apologies for anyone this might bother. Nursery school is basically preschool and primary/pre-preparatory school is basically elementary school for my fellow Americans. The school names are all pulled from some Google searches (other St. Grogory's which is from the book) and are not reflective of the actual schools I stole names from lol.

Also happee birthdae Harry! Sorry for what I put you though in this fic lol. 

* * *

James, Lily, and a 3-year-old Harry were barely steps into their house after a long day when they were greeted by an extremely loud sigh and dramatic proclamation coming from a man draped lazily over their couch.

"Where have you lot been all day? I've been here completely alone, left to my own miserable thoughts! And let me tell you: they are not pretty!"

Lily, who was holding a sleeping Harry, gave James a meaningful look, which he understood immediately. He grabbed his wand out of his pocket and waved it at a dry erase board on the upper half of the fridge that said "Days since Sirius forgot he no longer lives here: 4." The number 4 faded and was replaced by a large 0 in red ink. James then looked at Sirius and slowly pointed to the board.

Sirius sniffed disdainfully and replied, "This stupid board wasn't funny when Moony got it for you a few months ago and is especially not funny now."

"It's hilarious and you know it, Pads," Lily said as she carried Harry to the bathroom to brush his teeth before bed.

James walked to the couch and shoved Sirius's legs off of half of it before collapsing onto it and summoning a beer from the fridge with his wand.

"Actually though, where have you all been all day?" Sirius asked.

"Hell," James groaned as he held the cold beer bottle to his head before taking a sip.

"Oh, how was Grimmauld Place? My family well?"

"Exceptionally so. Bella sends her love."

"She is literally incapable of such an action and you know it," Sirius replied. "So, if the hell you visited wasn't my family estate, where was it?"

"We've been visiting nursery schools for Harry all day."

"That sounds… decidedly less hellish than anticipated."

Upon hearing his best friend's dismissive reply, James sat up, turned to Sirius and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Pads," James began. "You don't understand. Searching for nursery schools for a presumably magical child is absolute insanity."

"Stop saying presumably. I saw Harry sneeze glitter a few months ago and I do not appreciate that no one believes me."

"I don't fully believe that there wasn't some terrible glitter-related incident while you were babysitting that you neglected to tell us about," Lily responded as she walked back into the living room after putting Harry to bed.

"Your lack of faith in my godfathering skills is insulting."

"Need I remind you of Harry's first word?"

"… fair enough."

"But James is right. The nursery school hunt is grueling."

"How so?"

"So, we are just looking for a nice, normal nursery school where Harry can socialise with other toddlers and make friends and be a well-adjusted child, right?" James asked.

"Right…" Sirius replied hesitantly.

"But we also can't have a nursery school teacher that is too observant. We need a Muggle teacher who, in the event of any potential accidental magic outbursts, would explain it away and think nothing of it," Lily explained.

"Seems to make sense."

"Well, it seems as though we basically have to make a choice between a good school and teacher who might not be as willing to excuse away any magic," James started. "And a crap school who would never notice the magic but might also not notice Harry withdrawing into his shell and not making friends."

"Still not understanding how this is hell."

"We have toured 17 nursery schools in the past week."

"Ah. Well. Why don't you just send him to a magical nursery school?"

Upon hearing this question from Sirius, James's eyes widened and he frantically started shaking his head. But it was too late.

"Oh yes! Why don't we just limit his interactions to the magical world!" Lily exclaimed sarcastically. "He will totally gain the skills necessary to exist in the Muggle world and interact with Muggles! Not like there have ever been any problems with wizards interacting with Muggles! Isn't that right, Sirius?"

This questioning led Sirius to remember a particularly unpleasant engagement party held for James and Lily that ended with 4 Obliviators being called to the scene to deal with some of her extended family and friends. And all over a simple question about motorbikes and their air capabilities.

"But if you are giving him an education in 'Muggle ways' yourself, is it really necessary for him to go to a Muggle nursery school?"

"Harry will have seven years of his life to attend a magical school!" Lily yelled, before remembering Harry was asleep and lowering her voice. "I want him to have some background in Muggle subjects and interacting with Muggles before he makes the full-time leap into the magical world. I think he will be a more well-rounded student and person for it. And I want to be able to bring him to family events without worrying he will have trouble talking about anything that doesn't have to do with magic."

"And I of course love my wife and agree with whatever she thinks is best," James interjected.

"All right, suit yourselves. Send the kid to Muggle school. But don't complain to me when he sneezes glitter in front of his teacher and you end up having to obliviate the whole school."

"Don't worry," Lily reassured. "We think we have found a lovely school where he should be happy and able to control his magic."

* * *

**Nursery School 1 - Miss Daisy's Nursery**

"Well… that could have gone better," James said as he picked up a soot-covered Harry and Accio-ed a toy for him to play with.

"Admittedly, not the ideal way to find out that Harry has a tree nut allergy. At least there is no doubt he will end up at Hogwarts someday," Lily responded as she watched the nursery school that her son had attended for all of 6 days before he sneezed fire during lunch go up in flames.

"And we know Sirius wasn't lying about the glitter."

"I still don't believe that he didn't try to feed Harry glitter or something and it ended up going horribly wrong."

"Yeah… Why didn't we make Remus godfather again?"

"I was insane with pregnancy hormones. I don't know what your excuse was."

As they continued to debate the circumstances that led to Sirius being named godfather, James and Lily watched as several Obliviators apparated onto the scene to deal with Harry's classmates and teacher.

"Kensington Nursery was nice too," James noted.

"Very nice. Upon reflection, I might have actually preferred it to Miss Daisy's," Lily replied.

"Honestly, this is a blessing in disguise. We have confirmation that Harry isn't a squib, we have gained important information about our son's dietary restrictions, and we know that Kensington is actually the best nursery school for him."

"Might as well go and register him. No point in sticking around here."

As James and Lily apparated to Kensington Nursery School with Harry, the roof of Miss Daisy's Nursery began to collapse, leading the Obliviators on-scene to have to use magic to keep the school's structure intact, thus necessitating even further obliviation. It was a long day for them.

* * *

**Nursery School 2 - Kensington Nursery School**

"Honestly this isn't even Harry's fault," Lily rationalised.

"And we didn't need Obliviators to clean up the wreckage!" James responded enthusiastically.

"It's not our fault our son is so smart."

"Exactly! We can't help it if our son is a genius!"

"Literally all I asked was how Harry's first month at his new nursery school was going."

Upon hearing Marlene's reply, James and Lily quickly exchanged looks and then proceeded to try to smile as though nothing was wrong and they were having a perfectly normal dinner with friends.

"Mean teacher! Bad teacher! More rights! More rights!" Harry shouted from his highchair.

"I cannot believe your toddler led his nursery school class in a fully-organised strike that led to the whole school shutting down for the day," Remus responded, rubbing his temples. "How does he know what a picket-line is?!"

"I think he heard Vernon complaining about unions and strikes at family dinner last week," Lily explained.

"He's a true advocate for the working class and I personally think he should be commended for his fight for the underprivileged."

"Shut up, Padfoot. I am not fully convinced that this wasn't somehow your fault."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

**Nursery School 3 - Tadpole Nursery School**

"We finally made it!" James shouted, popping a bottle of champagne.

"He survived nursery school!" Lily shouted back, popping her own bottle of champagne.

"And he only burned down one building!"

"Which, basically, doesn't even count! He had an allergic reaction! How could we expect him to not end up sneezing fire?"

"Parents of the year, you two are."

"Dorcas, I recognise that there was thinly-veiled sarcasm in your response, but I am choosing to ignore it and instead accept the compliment," James said as he took a swig straight from his bottle.

The mini-celebration of Harry's graduation from nursery school lasted for two solid hours until Marlene ended up asking the inevitable.

"So, where is he going for primary school?"

"Primary school?!" James exclaimed. "Hasn't he learned enough?!"

"Oh don't worry," Lily reassured her husband. "I've got the perfect primary school picked out already."

* * *

**Primary School 1 - St. Grogory's Primary School**

"Pray tell, dearest wife, why you thought it appropriate to call this hellhole the 'perfect primary school'?"

"I now recognise the extent to which Petunia oversold it and I accept responsibility for that. However, I do maintain that Harry has learned a valuable lesson about how to stick up to bullies. So it wasn't a total wash."

"Upon his teacher responding to his complaint of bullying with 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' our son proceeded to turn his cousin's best friend's head into a literal toilet. On the second day of school."

"Yes, and Piers is a better child for it! Someone needed to knock some sense into that spoiled brat!"

"But we had to obliviate him! He won't remember this lesson!"

"Yes… But Dudley will! And he is the one with the real power in this school."

James took a moment to look up at the ceiling of the headmaster's office before he responded. The headmaster was, of course, unconscious due to the obliviation he had just been subject to.

"Love… are you praising Harry for this just to piss off your sister?"

"I would never!" Lily exclaimed indignantly. "I care deeply about my sister and dear nephew and only hope for the best for them!"

"This is revenge for the haircut she gave Harry last week isn't it?"

"HE LOOKED ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS! What kind of auntie shaves her poor nephew's head for the sake of a playdate at the park?!"

As Lily continued to rail against the sins of her sister and the absolutely appalling treatment Harry had received at his playdate the previous week, James mentally reminded himself to heed Sirius's words and avoid angering his wife at all costs. The last thing he wanted was his brilliant, exceedingly magically talented son to be turned against him as a result of a dumb mistake.

* * *

**Primary School 2 - St. John's Pre-Preparatory School**

"He had a good year at St. John's!"

"A very good year!"

"His teacher was lovely!"

"She was! He really learned a lot!"

"And he made some nice friends!"

"I especially like that Benjamin kid! We should have him over this summer!"

"We should!"

Lily and James continued to praise St. John's Preparatory School loudly for the next few minutes as they prepared dinner. Finally, when James shut the door of the oven after sliding a tray into it, they exchanged a look.

"It is too bad we didn't realise how religious the school was until last week," Lily said as casually as one might remark about the weather.

"Yes… Harry's speech about magic and sins against the Lord at breakfast the other day was quite… something," James replied equally nonchalantly.

"I was especially taken aback by his direct references to biblical passages. And not the nice ones about love and forgiveness."

"Also his pouring holy water over us last night."

"That was… less than ideal."

"He impressed Petunia and Vernon at family dinner on Sunday though."

"That was also… less than ideal. I didn't appreciate my sister tearing up as she told me I had 'finally done something right with the boy.'"

"At least he snapped out of it as soon as I started making the point about Quidditch and magic."

"The look on his face when you told him 'I guess this means you won't need your broom anymore if you are swearing off magic due to its sinful nature' was truly priceless."

"Might have made this whole ordeal worthwhile."

The conversation trailed off for a few moments. Then, out of nowhere, both James and Lily started laughing so hard, tears were streaming down their faces. It took them several minutes to regain their composure.

"I guess this means we are spending the summer looking for a new school again," James said as he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand.

"Guess so," Lily replied as she fanned himself to try to calm down.

"Is it time to consider the homeschooling offer yet?"

"I will quit my job and homeschool Harry myself before I would let Sirius do it."

"He said he thought he could get Peter to help him out too."

"That makes the offer even less enticing."

"Yeh… Remus is really the only one I trust. Seeing as he's an actual teacher and all."

"Well, Harry will have him eventually at least."

"How many years until Harry heads to Hogwarts?"

"3 more years, love. Just three more years."

* * *

**Primary School 3 - Wetherby Boys' School**

"Say. Nothing," Lily said the second she walked into her living room and saw Sirius sitting there.

"But-"

"Nothing."

"I just-"

"Nothing!"

"Noted."

Sirius remained silent for all of three minutes before he could no longer help himself.

"I can't believe you slapped Harry's teacher!"

From the armchair she had settled into and without looking away from the telly she had been watching, Lily silently fired off a quick hex that glued Sirius's mouth shut.

"Not that your behaviour warrants a response," she started after taking a long sip of her tea. "But if you must know, Mr. Newman made some highly inappropriate comments about my body when I came in to talk to him about Harry's science project that I simply could not let slide. I have no regrets about what transpired. In fact, I am actually quite proud. Both for standing up for myself, and for remembering not to use magic."

They sat in silence in the living room for a few minutes watching the news until Harry walked in and sat on the sofa next to his godfather.

"Mum…" Harry began.

"Yes, dear?"

"If you slapped my teacher, does that mean I don't have to go to school tomorrow?"

"I am going to make a very safe guess that you will not be returning to Wetherby tomorrow. Or ever."

"Oh. That's alright. I didn't really like anyone there."

"You should have told us!" Lily said, turning off the telly to better hear her son. "We had no idea!"

"Well it had only been a month and I thought it would maybe get better so I didn't want to worry you! Plus, this is the third primary school I've been to, and I didn't want to put you and Dad through the stress of having to find another one."

"Sweetie, if you are unhappy, you have to let us know. We don't want you to feel stuck at a school with no friends in an attempt to make our lives easier. If we have to, we will happily try out another twenty schools if that's what it takes to find one you are happy at."

After hearing Lily's response, Harry ran over to hug his mother. Sirius pretended to wipe a tear away. And James, who had walked into the room for just the last bit of the conversation, slowly sank to the ground, put his head between his knees, and started muttering incoherently about "twenty more schools" and "hell." The rest of the room ignored him.

* * *

**Primary School 4 - The Merlin Preparatory School**

"One more!"

"Muuuuuum!"

"Last one I promise!"

Harry scowled at his mother as she took what seemed like the hundredth photo of the day. Finally, she put the camera down on the kitchen table.

"Okay, okay! I'm done! I'm just very proud of you."

"All of us are," James said, throwing his arm around his son.

"Never thought I'd see the day Prongs Jr. actually finished his Muggle schooling," Sirius interjected.

"Hey!"

"Not a dig at you, Harry. You're perfect and you know that. I just meant I am shocked your parents actually managed to stick this whole ordeal out."

"Yes, how many different Muggle schools did he attend?" Remus asked with a smirk.

"I had money on him reaching double digits," Peter said as he sat down at the table.

"Only seven!" James defended.

"And he only burned down one!" Lily added.

"And Obliviators were only needed once! Well technically twice. But we handled the second time ourselves, so really only once!"

"Model members of our society you two are," Sirius said sarcastically. "It's a wonder you managed to raise such a brilliant child."

"I know! I'm shocked I'm still alive honestly."

"I'll remind you that your mother and I were not the ones who let you snort craft glitter as a baby."

"ONE TIME! I LET THE KID NEAR ONE SMALL BAG OF GLITTER ONE TIME! I THOUGHT HE WOULD FIND IT FUN!"

The debate over the glitter incident raged for the rest of the dinner and well into pudding. Sirius never admitted guilt but did, finally, agree to recognise Harry's accidental nursery school arson as his first proper act of magic, which James and Lily counted as a victory.

* * *

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**

"I can't believe he's already been gone two days! It's felt like two years."

James shot a sympathetic smile at his wife upon hearing her complain about their son's absence.

"We should at least be getting his letter letting us know what house he's in any time now," he comforted her.

"Sirius still has money on Hufflepuff?"

"Yeh but he doesn't really believe it. Just saying it to get a rise out of me."

Before Lily could respond, she heard a tapping at the window and turned to see Harry's new owl, Hedwig, with a letter. She ran over to open the window and let Hedwig in while James grabbed an owl treat from the cupboard. James fed the treat to the owl and stroked her head. Lily untied the letter and eagerly opened it.

Her face lit up as she started reading but quickly turned into a look of disbelief.

"Well?!" James demanded impatiently.

"Gryffindor, of course," Lily said, smiling briefly, before looking back at the letter to make sure she had read the last part of it correctly.

"YES!" James shouted. "Why don't you look more excited?"

"Because that's not the only news. There is a postscript from Remus. Guess who Dumbledore hired to replace Slughorn?"

"Who?"

"Snape."

The resulting shriek that came from James after he heard this news caused Hedwig to freak out and start flying around the kitchen, knocking many items off of the tops of the cabinets. Lily got another treat for Hedwig and fed it to her while she tried to calm the bird down. Hedwig finally settled down and landed back on the owl perch by the window as James tried to process the news.

He took a few more moments to regain the power of speech, but when he finally did, he had just one question:

"Are there any schools other than Hogwarts we could send him to?"

* * *

Apologies if there were any typos/grammatical mistakes! I am not used to writing fic using real sentences lol.

Thank you to ManagingMischief ( mischiefmanagedwrites on tumblr) for the wonderful prompt and even more wonderful fic!

And thank you so so much for reading! Feel free to leave a kudos, comment, or bookmark. I will love you forever!

Come chat with me at my main blog ( .com) or my fanfic sideblog ( .com) xx


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